As I journey with my Father I have come to some lonely places in my soul, that have deep roots in childhood. As I looked through the pain I saw a distorted picture of my Abba, He was distant and unwilling to rescue me in my pain. Even though my mind knows much better I seemed to return to this view more times than I want to mention. Yet finally as I cried out to Him from this place of loneliness and internal darkness, He revealed a very different view. The picture was me alone in my house as a lonely 14-15 year old feeling very isolated in a new place (moved from Oregon to California), the spiritual picture was one of darkness even with some demonic hiding in the shadows. The sadness of the loneliness and longing for friendship was very strong, yet there was anger that God would leave me in this place. The Enemy's strategy to strangle me with the strategy of self-pity for comfort seemed to be very effective. Then the Lord opened my spiritual eyes to see the truth, the Lord was right there close with a great number of angels yet He was held back. What could hold Him back? The Lord showed me that at the time I was an unbeliever and never cried out to Jesus in the midst of my pain. How could a decision I make as a 14-15 year old affect me even now? I had not given Jesus access to this place in my soul, so He was outside sad because I had not let Him in to bring comfort. All this time from this place in my soul I had believed it was Him that was withholding His love and comfort. Got ya!!!! A victim of "The Lie" again, that is that God is not the good God we once knew Him to be but is in fact withholding from us. This "Lie" so permeates our culture, even Christian culture which can expect performing for Jesus, and our own souls which have been twisted by the hideous nature of "The Lie". I love the song by Dennis Jernigan at the top of the page because of it's honesty about the road we sometimes walk but also about our hope in our ever present Savior Jesus. I pray that the Holy Spirit would touch the lonely places deep in your soul, so you can experience the Presence of Christ in this place and be filled with His love. As I let Jesus into this place He took away the loneliness and sadness, at first there was still a tinge of sadness then the Lord revealed I had not let Him change the place. He now changed the place from a place of darkness, loneliness, and despair to a place where I encounter His love and Light. The tears in this place are tears of Joy that He chose to love me in the place where the darkness felt so strong. I believe because I spent much of my childhood alone that the Enemy worked through my mind to distort the image of God and keep me in darkness. I am learning by the power of His Spirit to give God access to reclaim these places as my secret place where I meet with the Lord instead of agreeing with the lie of self-pity.
In Abba's Arms,
Bret
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