Tree of Life: Desire Fulfilled

There has been a battle in my heart that Holy Spirit is beginning to shine some light on and I believe is a battle for some many others who walk with God.  I learned growing up that others needs and wants were more important than mine, thus I am here to serve others.  I  have taken this into my relationship with Father, that He is a Father that is primarily looking for people to serve Him.  So I have learned how to constantly suppress my desires, put others wants or desires before mine, and even learning how to go with unmet needs.  This all can sound very noble, yet I now see it as prideful instead of noble.  I have even learned how to see desires that don't appear "godly" to be selfish.  Jesus so often asked people when He encountered them, "What do you want?"  This question for those who believe their primary identity is in being a servant is a disturbing question.  Religion was not about meeting people's needs but about people doing what God wanted (or they perceived He wanted).

Could it be that God is actually interested in my desires, needs, and wants?  Scripture tells us in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."  A verse in Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life."  Could it be that my learned pattern of living to martyr my own needs and desires on behalf of others is not want God wants but He wants to fulfill the deepest desires of my heart.  Unfortunately, my role of trying to tireless serve others before my self (self-denial) has been rewarded in the Christian world.  It seems that eldest brothers (from the story of the Prodigal Son) seem to fit at the Father's house but the storm that is brewing in their hearts is far from the peace of a true son.  The eldest son seemed to be a dutiful servant, a hard-worker, faithful, loyal, and even good yet these masked a heart of anger and bitterness.

On my journey to know the Father's Love, it seems that He is revealing that I cannot live as a servant because servants view Father as a Master who is oppressive, demanding, and is only interested in what He wants.  Now I know this seems to be a fine line, because Jesus (as a Son) only did what He saw the Father doing and only said what He heard the Father saying.  This sounds very much like being a servant who has no desires or wants of his own, yet Jesus did not serve His Father as one who had to but as a Son who loved His Father.  Jesus fully expressed His needs and desires to the Father but somewhere in His complete trust of the Father's heart, He was able to put the Father first and Jesus wants and desires were also fulfilled.  I once heard Heidi Baker say, "Love looks like something, a need met is love".  So if Father truly loves us, does He want to fulfill our needs and wouldn't love be interested in our fulfilling our desires.  This takes me back to Father's invitation to me, "Are you willing to be radically loved?"  My perception of what this means is being changed as He seeks to show me what He means.

Learning to live as a son,
Bret