True Boundaries vs. Self-Protection

Because I am wired for deep relationships, I have often been irritated by popular psychology always talking in terms of boundaries because this talk was devoid of discussion about God or love.  I wrongly interpreted boundaries as a way that you could protect yourself and since I had already spent much of my life protecting myself, only leading to isolation and pain I was not interested.  Most believe that boundaries are about what you keep out and certainly this is true but boundaries are also about what you protect.  In Psalm 91 in beautiful poetic language David lays out our "secret place" with the Lord and His protection, the fortress and refuge is a place of communing with God.  This protection is place boundaries around us and our intimate relationship with God, so this relationship can grow in safety, depth, and intimacy.  There is a lot of talk of the destructiveness of strongholds or lies we believe but not nearly enough talk about building good fortresses of thought that are a refuge for relationship with God and others to grow.  I believe we live in a society with very blurry or little boundaries, my TV often begins to blair on in ads about "erectile dysfunction" as I quickly grab for the mute button so my kids don't ask endless questions about something they don't need to know about now.  With the explosion in wireless technology with our endless addiction to smartphones, tablets, and iPods boundaries are invisibly being violated and much tougher to maintain (as my smartphone rings with a client at 6pm - dinnertime).  If we do have not chosen to agree with the invisible (but very real) boundaries around my most important relationships, I will quickly feel obligated to answer the phone.  True boundaries are not about creating invisible lines around relationships or our own person but acknowledging and agreeing with the ones that God says are already there.  My son frustrated with his sister telling him not to hit the dog, decides he needs to "suggest" the best time for her to take her shower, boundaries were just violated and then there are hurt feelings and the slamming of a door.  My son is responsible for his choice to hit the dog and is the only one that can clean up his mess, and apologize to our unsuspecting Golden Retriever.  His offense to his sister telling him what to not do, a boundary violation, leads him to violate her boundaries and tell her when she ought to take a shower.  The cycle of violating one another boundaries because of hurt and offense can continue if no one takes responsibility for their own choices and it's hard to tell what are your own choices if you don't acknowledge boundaries.  I believe part of why boundaries are so unclear is because our lack of acknowledgement and worship of who God is and thus we are unclear about the truth about who we are.  Unclear identity and unclear boundaries go together, we seem to have a co-dependent society.  I had scheduled a meeting with my mentor, we were to have lunch first and then he would meet to minister to me.  His wife was the one who was his scheduler and to communicate with him, yet he called me a full hour before we were to have lunch wandering where I was, I in turn felt bad that he was sitting in a restaurant by himself.  He clearly said to me that it was not my fault since he misunderstood his wife, I felt bad because I believed a lie that I was responsible for him sitting in the restaurant yet none of my decisions led to this situation.  We can believe we have good boundaries until a situation arises that exposes our feelings and what we truly believe.  Since I grew up in a family with very unclear boundaries and a blurry sense of identity, I have still carried much of this belief system and way of living into adult life.  Boundaries are based on truth in relationships and without truth in relationships there cannot be trust, intimacy, and freedom.  Since all of us have had an orphan heart, it makes perfect sense that we have created orphan structures when it comes to relationships and thus our structures for relationships are actually destructive rather than protecting freedom and promoting intimacy.  In Genesis 3 the serpent's deception includes, “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  And ever since that day all of us have been trying to be like God, being the center of all life and having everything revolve around us.  The desire to be like (in our own strength) can lead us to be driven to strive for achievement, show others that we are in control, and even cover our weaknesses.  Orphan hearts seek to fill the void where God once was with their own efforts to meet their needs and be in control, thus true boundaries get violated and then the consequences are suffered.  I pray that we would agree with God about true boundaries in our relationships that would place invisible (but very real boundaries) around our most valuable relationships so they can thrive and grow.  In Christ I believe we are not only to experience our union with Him but also the fruit of this union being healthy relationships that are blessed.

In Freedom,
Bret